NOTE: The following article was an April Fools joke and is NOT real.
In a surprising announcement this morning, the Missouri Department of Rivers & Streams has announced a new initiative to keep mixed drinks off rivers throughout the state. The move, announced this morning at a press conference in Jefferson City, is aimed particularly at female floaters who consume most of the mixed drinks.
Senior Aide to the Department President Tom Collins announced the new initiative just before the summer floating season gets underway.
“We believe removing mixed drinks from the floating equation will help curb several things – rowdiness, flashing, and other unacceptable behavior. And on top of that, the annual cleanup savings should save the rivers from approximately 42 metric tons of ‘mixed drink trash’ each year.”
Beer is not banned in the new initiative. When asked about this new law being aimed particularly at females, Mr. Collins declined to comment.
Paul Martini, owner of Paul’s Canoes & Camp just outside of Van Buren Missouri, was not happy to hear the news this past weekend. “We make a pretty good bit of money off of vodka and rum. For it to be banned from the river really puts a damper on our visitors’ fun and will probably result in less floaters this year. With less women drunk, less men will show up. It’s a vicious circle and the outfitters lose the most.”
The new law does not ban the sale of spirits, but rather says that no containers on the river may have any mixed drinks in them. Beer in cans will be the only drink allowed in coolers on Missouri’s rivers this year.
Brandy Alexander, waitress at Top Dog Pizza in Steeleville is very used to catering to large crowds of fun-seeking floaters. “This year is going to be different. If you don’t like beer, you’re going to have to drink before you get on the water, or after the float at a place like this,” she says. “It’s going to be weird this summer, that’s for sure. I like Bud Light, so it doesn’t bother me as much, but I know my friends won’t be happy to hear this.”
There is a followup press conference scheduled for next Monday, April 8. We will report any changes and updates to the new law at that time.