I have made a point of going on at least one float trip every year since 1978. After more than thirty-four years, I feel that I have achieved a certain expertise—not in the way I paddle, but in my observations of couples on the river.
I am a firm believer in the Relationship Float Trip Test. I believe that every state should pass a Pre-Marital Float Trip Law. Providing that a couple can pass this assessment, they would be issued a marriage license and not one second before. If a couple can survive a ten mile float, remain in the same canoe, and not want to kill one another, they have a good relationship, and in my opinion, could survive and thrive in marriage.
Floating tests the patience, adaptability, endurance, and love of a couple almost from the start. For some couples, the bus trip to the put-in is the high point of the day. If someone forgets the cooler or they’ve pre-partied and puke on their shoes before even hitting the water, a couple may want to reconsider. If it’s this ugly now, it’s only going to get uglier later. Save everyone the drama and ride the bus back to town.
Having made it to the river, it can rapidly go downhill from there sometimes as soon as just trying to get into the canoe especially if both parties are first timers. Previous but separate paddling experience will help, but canoeing as a couple is a completely different breed of float tripping.
For starters, “floating” is a misnomer. No one “floats” downstream, they paddle. Maneuvering a canoe down a waterway is a joint effort. From the person up-front who provides the speed to the person in-the-back who does the steering, it’s a rare couple that can get downriver without pissing off each another.
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Because a person sits above the waterline, canoes are top heavy and prone to tipping. Tipping results in getting wet, losing your gear, and eventually assigning blame to the person who “caused” the failure. At Mile 1 of a ten mile trip, nervous laughter is usually associated with a tip over; laughter and the naïve assurance that it’s not going to happen again. At Mile 5, the laughter fades and it’s with a disgruntled resilience that the canoeing couple propels forward. A tip over at Mile 9 is grounds for dissolution of the relationship. Ask either party, and they will blame the other.
I’ve seen marriages literally “hit the rocks” and fail on a float trip. Couples have separated, with one getting into the canoe of strangers, leaving a partner behind to paddle downstream alone. This, in turn, results in the phenomena of a “river wheelie”—canoeing with the front end sticking two to three feet out of the water—for the remaining miles all the while cursing whoever thought a float trip was a good idea in the first place.
For the first-time couple who arrives at the pull-out without having once considered the homicide of their significant other, a brass band playing the Hallelujah Chorus awaits. After thirty-four years of floating and observing, I’m still waiting to see that band.
Despite a shaky, first float, some couples make floating an annual event, and eventually, they get it right. It’s a joy to see these couples work as a team as they swiftly load gear, store coolers, assume their positions, and take off with a purpose. Their masterful stroking carries them far ahead of the pack and they enjoy a relaxing day on the river. With enough practice, any couple can do it.
Good luck, keep calm, and paddle on.
I enjoyed reading your article. It gave me many memories of growing up in the Ozarks and our annual float trip excursions. From the time I was 5-years-old, just about every summer my parents and their friends and friends’ kids would head out to the Current River in MO or Buffalo River in AR. One year I remember a friend and I paddled like crazy going down, I think it was, the Current River. We were probably 12 years old. It was a cross between a race and bumper boats trying to knock others out of our path to win. We finished the 26-mile float two hours earlier than scheduled. The floating company hadn’t even arrived yet. Another year, I witnessed a fellow floating party’s canoe spin perpendicularly to the river in a swift current, center itself on a big rock, and literally fold in half. It looked like a fortune cookie. When I got into college, I was amazed how few of the guys I dated actually knew how to steer a canoe. After about 30 minutes of tolerating such incompetency, I insisted on trading places and ended up in the back. Of course, I didn’t marry any of them. Now, my husband and I live in Los Angeles and needless to say, the LA River doesn’t lend itself to float trips (though I believe Conan O’Brien did try it once.). After reading and laughing throughout your article, I asked my husband (with whom I’m very compatible I should add) if he ever heard of a “float trip.” He looked at me like I was crazy. Unless, they’ve started offering lessons (like when you go snow skiing), something tells me we better not go on one.
At any rate, thanks for the memories and a well-written and humorous article.
Jennifer thanks for the hilarious comments. I’ve never seen a canoe fold up in person but I have (thanks, YouTube!) online. Quite a sight!
Hope you can make it back to MO this year for a relaxing trip down a river – get your husband out there too!
I totally agree with most of the points made, but my experience has been with the ones who don’t even make it a mile into the float before “divorce” occurs. My current partner and I have had a few floats that were stressful, but we meshed so well on our virgin float that a chorus was playing somewhere!! We are definitely float married, and its for life!
“From the person up-front who provides the speed to the person in-the-back who does the steering, it’s a rare couple that can get downriver without pissing off each another.” Not true. The bowman (front) does a good portion of the steering, especially when things get a little dicey. Without a good bowman, you’ll have a lot of trouble. Btw, my current wife of 27 years is an excellent bowman. We passed the test!
What do you suggest that is similar but does not require a boat? Some of us cannot swim…
I lhave a wonderful float partner. I sit in the front in my princess chair & almost never have to touch my paddle. Works for us 🙂
Before my ex-husband and I got married, we went on a church float trip. He told me he was an expert canoer, had done it many times and could handle it completely. I had never been and I was a bit nervous, but he reassured me it would work out fine because, as he said, he was an expert. He said he would be able to take both paddles and sit up front while I hung out in the back just enjoying the scenery.
LOL
I actually ended up getting hurt so badly that strangers had to carry me out of the water. It’s up there with one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I asked him later why he basically lied to me about being an expert and he said he didn’t lie – he knew what he was doing because he had seen his dad do it.
I should’ve run screaming then.
Cute. Not at all accurate, but cute nonetheless. My ex and I were excellent float trip partners. Horrible, malfunctioning relationship from the get-go, but never tipped a canoe, and had a great time on the river. *shrug*
Great article and though a few said this article was not true I could not disagree more. Maybe just not true for THEM. I will say that I’ve been on some fantastic float trips with new relationships and also terrible ones with long-term relationships. One boyfriend claimed to learn canoeing from an Olympic team (which was probably BS) and though I’ve been canoeing most of my life would frequently tell me how to do my job in the front of the canoe. I can actual steer from the front if necessary and have a tecnique I learned from my dad that is got me out of some seriously Harry situations with people that don’t know how to steer. This person did know how to steer but Apparently this was not the Olympic team way so my boyfriend at the time and I would argue back-and-forth even though what I was doing was working just fine. You can imagine how that float went with all that followed. Not well. We did manage to not to kill each other but it showed me A lot about him and how easily emasculated he was, rather than sppreciating the fact that I TOO was a well seasoned floater and I’m a LOT of fun. Kind of kills the fun when you can do nothing but criticize the whole time.
There is so much truth in this! I went on a float trip one year where 6 couples started out and 1 couple returned, my boyfriend and I. After seeing that, I firmly believe in the float test. We are still together and make floating a priority in the summer. We even started taking our dogs out last year to enjoy the river with us.
Spot on! You are absolutely correct. I live a few miles from the Current and Jack’s Fork rivers, and float multiple times every year. Nothing except possibly hanging wallpaper, tests a relationship more than steering a canoe!
Hey, our first date (Feb. 1979), was a two-day float trip on the Current River! And we’re getting ready to float the Current and Eleven Point in a couple of weeks.
I’m reminded of an older couple we encountered on the Buffalo River years ago. The wife (at least we assumed they were married) was very vocal about her unhappiness about being in that canoe. She was giving her partner an earful when we passed by and when we pulled up on the same sand bar she was still complaining loudly. I think it may have been her her first float trip and she was frightened. But she definitely was NOT having fun! We wondered what happened once that trip was over with.
I loved this article and agree that there should be some degree of truth into the pre-marital need to float with your spouse to be!! I for one done this many times with my future spouse before we took our vows. As a matter of fact we went on about 10 or more float trips and spent an entire week on a float on the Big Piney River and it was a great success mainly from the fact that as a kid I grew up on the Big Piney and floated it many years with my dad, older brother, uncles and a few cousins! Even though my wife to be was indeed in the front of the canoe it was mainly my responsibility to keep us afloat, and yes float not just paddling downstream! The old adage upstream without a paddle suits me just fine as it gives me so much time to enjoy a slow relaxing piece of Nature at it’s finest May we all have enough time in the Mo. outdoors on any waterway that suits our needs!! Thank you for this Topic as I believe it is most appropriate!!
CB